Quickly he states his inability to describe a recent Saturday, when he saw children playing “Ducks and Drakes” (skipping stones) and wanted to join in. In the “Undated Pages,” Antoine writes that he intends to keep this diary in order to describe things in acute detail, tracing his experience minute by minute. The Editors explain that the opening pages of the notebooks were undated but likely written earliest. After traveling around Europe, Africa, and “the Far East,” he lived in the fictional town of Bouville for three years to finish his research. if I yield, they're going to come round in front of me, between my eyes, and I always yield, the thought grows and grows and there it is, immense, filling me completely and renewing my existence.An “Editors’ Note” explains that what follows are the notebooks found in the papers of Antoine Roquentin, a historian who was working on a book about the Marquis de Rollebon. Thoughts are born at the back of me, like sudden giddiness, I feel them being born behind my head. I am the one who pulls myself from the nothingness to which I aspire: the hatred, the disgust of existing, there are as many ways to make myself exist, to thrust myself into existence. At this very moment, it's frightful, if I exist, it is because I am horrified at existing. My thought is me: that's why I can't stop.
Because that's still a thought." Will there never be an end to it? I mustn't think that I don't want to think. If I could keep myself from thinking! I try, and succeed: my head seems to fill with smoke. How serpentine is this feeling of existing, I unwind it, slowly. But though I am the one who continues it, unrolls it. The body lives by itself once it has begun. For example, this sort of painful rumination: I exist, I am the one who keeps it up.
It's worse than the rest because I feel responsible and have complicity in it. Then there are words, inside the thoughts, unfinished words, a sketchy sentence which constantly returns: "I have to fi. They stretch out and there's no end to them and they leave a funny taste in the mouth. “I jump up: it would be much better if I could only stop thinking.
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